Dazed
by rememberese
Summary: I probably should have felt guilty for thinking about her all the time. I mean, Hazel was doing everything she could to be there for me and all I could think about was if Ashley Kerwin missed me the way that I missed her.


She didn't visit me. Not once. Still, I felt like she was always there by my side. I saw her when I closed my eyes. I saw her in those stupid daytime television shows that I was being force-fed. Worst of all, I saw her in every word Craig said to me.

I had never felt so trapped as I did when I was in that hospital bed. Do you know how hard it is to realize that the entire world is going on without you? I hated when people told me that things would be back to normal soon. It was all a bunch of lies. Things had already gone back to normal and they'd got there without me.

Marco told me she broke up the band. Craig went nuts and instead of recording the song, he chased after her. Gavin "Spinner" Mason, you know, my former best friend, blew a gasket and decided that the band was done. It was at that minute right there that I didn't care what Spin had or hadn't done. I wanted to put everything in the past and thank him for being the only person to acknowledge things had changed. Couldn't quite do that though, he avoided me like the plague.

I guess that's what I was though, the plague. Infecting every visitor with darkness. People always left the room a little bit more depressed than they came into it. I could see it on their faces. It didn't matter how many smiles I faked. It didn't matter how many times I said I was feeling better. It didn't matter how many corny jokes I cracked. They'd still walk out the door feeling sorry for me.

She didn't visit Terri either. Well, at least until she was doing a lot better. Until that stupid threat of falling into something worse no longer lingered over her head. Maybe she was waiting for that threat to go away with me too. Maybe she was scared. Or maybe she just didn't care. After all, what was I to her? Some lame ex-boyfriend who hadn't had a real conversation with her in years.

"Ash is this close to dumping me," he said. Craig always came in talking about his problems. Honestly, it was refreshing. I was sick of Marco telling me about the weather, Hazel constantly asking me if I was okay, and my parents bringing gifts galore. Sorry Dad, no shipment of Triple Five Soul is going to make my legs work again.

I repeated every stupid relationship cliché that I'd ever heard. Okay Craig, you need to talk to her. Yes Craig, get her alone. Sure Craig, I know it's going to be hard. Great Craig, why don't you look for a vacancy here?

It's funny. I never thought that last one would come true.

Time went by. I'm not quite sure how long. Could have been hours, could have been days. When you are prisoner simple things like time really have no meaning. You lose grasp on reality. I caught myself going in and out of a daze that was only interrupted by the happy face I put on whenever someone entered the room.

I probably should have felt guilty for thinking about her all the time. I mean, Hazel was doing everything she could to be there for me and all I could think about was if Ashley Fucking Kerwin missed me the way that I missed her. The funny thing was that I didn't feel any remorse. I didn't feel anything. It probably made me the biggest jerk in the world, but for once I didn't care.

I closed my eyes and fell back onto my pillow. I dreamt about her sometimes. Not the normal teenage guy dreams either. They were the kind of dreams where I didn't hesitate to tell her all the right things. The ones where the first thing I did was to compliment her. Where I never called her a slut, and I always made her feel beautiful. That's what she was, you know? All the dark make-up and short haircuts in the world couldn't change that. I was afraid to lie back then, I guess. It's only lately that I've realized its courtesy to lie to the ones you love. Hell, everyday someone came in here telling me that I looked great. Why shouldn't I tell Hazel that I love her? Or tell Marco that I feel fine? Anything else would just make them feel bad.

I always left my door open. I didn't have anything to hide. The light from the hallway didn't affect my ability to sleep, my mind did that pretty well on it's own.

I opened up my eyes for a second and shifted the best I could to get comfortable. I scanned the surroundings. TV, books, stereo, open door, kid on crutches outside the open door, wall. It would always be the same, wouldn't it?

"He's gonna be fine, stop worrying," a familiar voice echoed through the hallway. Marco. He already made his daily rounds. I had no idea what this could be about. "Let me just go tell Jimmy about it."

Great. Another "it". I'd grown to hate them. The last "it" was about my legs. Since then I've determined that I'd rather just not know. Let's pretend "it" never happened. Let's forget about "it". Because I don't care about "it" right now and it's going to be really hard for me to ever care about "it". Let's talk about the latest DVD's, Allen Iverson, or hell, even girls, anything but the "its" of the world.

Cue Ashley. I was asleep again. Dreaming of Ashley walking by my room? Sure, I guess anything goes at this point.

"Jimmy, guess who's here?" the Marco in my dreams said.

Dreams about my gay best friend? I think this is what people mean by hitting rock bottom. I pinched myself. Wake up, Brooks.

"Jimmy, hello, you in there?" he said as he shook my arm. It hit the metal bar on the side of the bed. So much for dreaming, I was more awake than ever.

"You know people are going to start assuming things if you keep stopping by here so often, Del Rossi," I said. I leaned forward and tried to get a better look out the door. The only thing in my line of vision was a pair of converse sneakers. The laces were dirty and the fronts were scribbled on. Her favorite pair. She'd had them since back when we were together. Most people have a comfort food, or a stuffed animal that makes them feel safe. Not Ashley, she found solace in a pair of shoes from the 8th grade.

"Well I'm not the only stopping by," he replied. He looked sort of frantic. Worried, even.

Ashley. Right outside the door. Here to see me. Just say it, Marco. Say Craig messed things up again and she was finally ready to visit me. Say she felt the same way I did and she'd been thinking of me all the time too.

"There's something wrong with Craig. He's upstairs in the psychiatric unit. They think he's bipolar, but they still have some tests to do. I was bringing Ash in to visit him. She's really upset about it. He's going to be okay though, and hey, maybe you'll even get a roommate out of it. Figured I'd let you know before we went up to see how things were going with him."

Oh.

Figures it would work out like this, huh? She could be right outside my door, but it didn't mean she was there for me. It was another one of those cruel jokes that life had seemed to enjoy playing on me lately. Ashley Kerwin was only feet away but no matter how hard I tried I would never be able to get to her.


End file.
